Living in Fear?

When I was a child, my best little friend was named Kathy. She was a year younger than I and the second youngest of a family of 6 children. She lived with her mother, siblings and step-father. I was too young to know where her biological dad was. I only knew that her step-father was an un-yielding man with a fierce temper and a fast fist. Kathy was terrified of him. One time I spent the night at her house and she had accidentally soiled her sheets. In the dark hours of the morning, we tried to get a load of laundry going so she could avoid the beating that would surely come. We failed. She was six years old. It still doesn’t make any sense to me.  

Another time, I remember her cowering, literally, at the dinner table as her brother was verbally abused and screamed at in front of the whole family (and guests). I don’t remember what for – I only remember the fear that was tangible. Don’t cross dad. He will hurt you. Message received.

Recently, I arrived at a client’s home to counsel them about their dog’s aggression to other dogs. I was met at the door by the most beautiful and sweet young dog who attempted to greet me with wiggles and some jumping up. He was prevented from doing so by harsh voice corrections and yanks on a leash which was attached to a prong collar with tiny sharp spikes digging into his smooth-coated neck. “No!”-yank – dog winced – “No!” yank – dog winced, licked his lips, dropped his tail, backed up, fearful of this intruder who brought the pain to the doorway. The dog’s owner had been instructed by another trainer to intimidate, to cause pain, to frighten her dog into obedience. The dog was changing, yes, but his eyes looked at me and said, “Did you cause my pain?”

Our consultation lasted a long time. I laid the foundation for understanding their dogs by reading canine body language. I introduced the concept that fear and pain will increase aggression. “But the other trainer said our dog was being dominant.” We talked about social relationships; the give-and-take versus categorical labels. We talked about training constructs and the over-simplification of a training regimen that is the same for all dogs. Their dogs were sensitive, I observed. They knew that. Their dogs would not do well with a punishment-based training method. Their dogs would increase the anxiety and aggression if they did not cease working with that other trainer’s methods.

I said, “You have to choose which bus you are going to get on.” “But we already bought our tickets (paid for the training classes by the prong-only trainer).” Ultimately I replied: “If the bus you are on is heading off a cliff, your tickets won’t do you much good.”  I warned them if they continued hurting their dogs in an attempt to stop the aggression, not only would it not stop it, but it would become much worse and begin being redirected toward them and toward other people. They knew that. They had already seen it happen, which was the catalyst to hire me to find another way. Kudos to them. We scheduled a follow-up lesson so we could work on more skills.

I believe it won’t be long before their dogs will change into more relaxed, more confident, more gently social dogs with proper rehabilitation and using non-force, modern methods of dog training. The dogs won’t have to live in fear that they will face pain upon the presence of a new person or another dog. Instead, they can anticipate fun, food and play when visitors and dogs show up. Not only will we change their behavior, but we’ll change the relationship the owners have with their dogs.

It’s not okay to make someone live in fear. Not a child. Not a dog. As dog owners and trainers, we have a right and a responsibility to be educated about dog body language and about humane and sympathetic training methods. Fear can change behavior. But should that be your primary method of communication with those you love?

My friend Kathy lived in fear of her dad until she was old enough to escape. I don’t know whether she ever overcame her issues with men but I do know she ended up making some bad choices as a result of the fear she’d lived with all her life. Her brothers and sister all did jail time for various crimes. Some of her brothers became very violent men. Learning can happen when fear is the teacher – but are you teaching the message you really want?

I couldn’t do anything about Kathy back then. Now, I can’t do anything about the choices that other trainer is making with his abusive, self-centered, fear-based training method. But, because my new clients are willing to trust me, and because they really love their dogs, I have an opportunity to teach them a new way– a way that will bring peace, trust and hope into their household. I am so grateful they called and are willing to learn what their dogs are truly saying.